I can do hard things

That's my new mantra. And I'm applying it to trying to lose weight. With the exception of pregnancy, I have officially hit my highest weight. Not a milestone I'm particularly proud of. I know it has to do with my eating habits. I have spent months exercising and not seeing the scale budge, but when I stop eating sugar the scale drops...a lot. A contributing factor is definitely my insulin resistance and PCOS. Things were under control for a while, but I can feel that things aren't working very well on the inside. I feel a lot like I did when we were trying to get pregnant with Emma. Yes, we're trying to get pregnant, but it's obviously not working. I am addicted to sugar, I crave it all day, I need it in order to function, but if I eat it, I gain weight. Exercising does not take this weight off. So, I am once again trying South Beach diet, which works really well for me. Last time I did it I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. After doing the hcg diet (lost 20 pounds with that one), South Beach should be a piece of cake (mmm...cake...), but it's still hard. I'm a little scared that I'm not going to be able to get pregnant again and this is it. No more babies. While I'm comfortable with 2 and I love our girls, I feel like we're supposed to have one more. So I'll keep trying. I also eat when I'm bored and for some reason I've been bored lately. No motivation to work on any of my projects, so I end up bored and wanting sugar.

I have way too many "issues." I'm bored and have no motivation b/c of the whole self discipline thing. The only thing I want to do is spend money-that makes me happy. But I can't spend money. But that's okay. I just need to work on the self discipline thing. I'll get there.

I also have this other issue-when Dave and I decide to do something I get obsessed with it-researching, finding the best deal, reading up, etc. So we've decided to buy a house. And I am OBSESSED. We've looked at many houses, I've changed requirements, cities, square footage, and everything else you can think of to find the ideal house. We've gone back and forth over the idea of increasing our price range. It's hard to go to some homes of friends and see all the "stuff" they have and not want that for myself, but then I remember that we'd rather travel and have money to do fun things than have a huge house...but a nice big house would be so GREAT...then I'm back to remembering that we should not do more than we can handle...see what I mean about back and forth?? Should we be on the west side of the freeway or east side of the freeway? So now my days are filled with internet searches for homes for sale. I've seen every single house on the internet available in this area in our price range (and some beyond). I've learned all about short sales and foreclosures. I've learned about which areas are better for resale value and I've learned to think of this home as a future rental home. I think that's why I'm not motivated to do other things-I'm fixated on this one thing. Oh well, I'll get over that as well.

Enough of my issues.

I have a wonderful life. I have a husband who is supportive and encouraging. He never expects anything of me that he isn't willing to do himself. He works hard for our family. He has high hopes for our family and wants to be with us. I love him so so much. I have 2 GREAT daughters who make me laugh and smile everyday. They have pure, sweet spirits and are inquisitive and curious. I love just staring at their faces and seeing the different emotions in their expressions. I try to imagine what their thought processes are and it makes me laugh when they ask certain questions that are so innocent. And while I am sometimes irritated in the moment, I love it when Emma cries b/c she's scared for me when I don't put on my seatbelt for a minute. I get to stay home with my girls and do the things that interest me. I have a lot of different interests and I've been able to pursue each one (except the ones that require me to be gone during the day-lol). I have awesome family members and I love to be with each and every one of them. I have friends who are loyal and so much fun to be around! I have a roof over my head, food to eat, the gospel of Jesus Christ to guide my actions...there isn't anything I have to complain about that I haven't brought upon myself with my own weaknesses. I am so grateful!

An atypical typical mormon mom

Confession #1: I'm not sure I love being a stay at home mom. I love staying at home and I love being a mom. Maybe it's more that I don't think I'm good at it. Or I haven't found the enjoyment yet in "playing" with my kids. I think I'm selfish. That's what it is. I want to do my own thing and I get...frustrated or bothered isn't the right word b/c it's not a negative emotion I feel when they want me to be involved...but it's something. I feel like I'm being intruded upon maybe. It's stupid, really, because I've noticed that when I actually DO play with them, they're funny girls and I have a little bit of fun. Just not enough fun that I want to keep playing with them. I love watching them and listening to them-I'm just not a huge fan of getting into the mix. They do some funny things when they play together-their imaginations are great and they do some awesome pretend play. And it's so fun to watch them get into a story line together and spend hours playing out their story. And they know each other so well that they can switch story lines without telling each other and keep on playing.

But at the same time, I don't know if we'll get to have more kids, so I'm worried that I'm missing out on something important and a few years down the road I'll regret not playing with them more. Am I not getting to know them b/c I don't play with them? Is there something I'm missing? Now that they're pretty self-sufficient I find myself wandering the house for something to do, then wasting away my time on the internet when I could be doing something better-namely, working on all the projects I have in mind. But then I feel guilty when I get focused on a project and not on them! Or I don't work on a project b/c I know I'm going to be interrupted.

Guilt-now there's a typical mormon mom feeling. I have a lot of guilt, but not so much at the same time. I'm not overwhelmed with guilt-I think I do a pretty good job of patting myself on the back for certain things. I feel guilt when I don't do everything I "should" be doing. I think it's b/c I KNOW how important certain things are. Like Family Home Evening, family scripture study, family prayer. I KNOW they are important. But I'm not super consistent. Personal prayers/scripture study are working out for me. But the family stuff hasn't been happening, so I feel guilty that I'm not providing those "protections" for them. One person once explained that you wouldn't send your kids out in the rain without a rain jacket, so why would you send them out into the world without family prayer? I'm not self-disciplined enough to get on top of it.

Self-discipline: and that's ANOTHER confession and weakness of mine. It's all connected. I probably wouldn't have so much guilt if I was more self-disciplined. I have no self discipline at all. The personal scripture study is just now becoming a habit. I was really self-disciplined in high school. Then I went off to college and it all went down the drain. I'm working on it. One thing at a time. But here's my list of things that I want to be more disciplined in:

Going to bed and waking up at decent hours
Getting to the gym
Not eating (or buying) extra sugar
Meal planning
Spending money/staying within budget
Craft/play time with the girls
Family prayer
Family scripture study
FHE

For a long time I was having the personal scripture study guilt, but now that I've gotten that habit underway I think I can start on the next one. One thing at a time.

Well, that's enough of all that's wrong with me.

My new blog

There have been so many times that I've had deeper thoughts that aren't really appropriate for the family blog, so here's my new "journal." All my own deep thoughts and possibly some superficial confessions :)